Good question. Here's a bit of my history to get you up to speed.
I never planned to get married, but I assumed that someone would come along and would persuade me otherwise. In other words, I've publicly said that marriage is an outdated convention, something of a crutch for dependent women and weak-minded fools. I've attempted unconventional relationships (ones that were primarily sexual, ones that contained multiple people, ones with other women). I've believed my own rhetoric. Privately, however, I paradoxically believed otherwise. I think I wanted a great guy (or girl, though I figured it was less likely) to persuade me otherwise. I hoped and prayed that he would convince me that our love was too great not to commit to it publicly. I wanted to be swept off my pedestal, not necessarily to marry and live some kind of soccer mom life, but to be happy in a relationship. I wanted something like the conventional life, but didn't know how to imagine it because of my own strong beliefs against such a thing.
My significant relationships thus far. In the years between each significant relationship, there was lots of dating and sex to keep me busy:
1. R, my college boyfriend. Early 1990s. R was very sweet. Wanted to get married to me, but I sensed it was because he thought it was the right thing to do. I was starting grad school and had recently found feminism, so I swiftly relegated him to ex-boyfriend. No regrets and we're still friends. I was right to suspect that we would grow apart politically and intellectually.
2. Eco-dude. Mid-1990s. ED was my best friend and political/social comrade. We lived together and loved each other's company. But our love wasn't very passionate, and we both doubted that we had enough love to make it for a lifetime. Things were kind of sexless at times, and I wanted someone who made my knees weak. I think we made the right decision, but somtimes I wonder if we would have had a fine life together. We had even talked recently about having a child together, since neither of us had a partner and we were considering how children might come into the picture. All this was changed, however, when he met and impregnated his current wife. I went to his wedding last year and his wife gave birth a few months ago.
3. Theater guy. Early 2000s. TG was a sweet man who wanted what his parents had: a conventional relationship. I think I was panicking about being in my mid-30s and when TG came along, I found his conventional nature appealing. I gave it a shot but found that I was bored and felt no passion for him. In fact, I grew to resent how he "took care" of me (making my breakfast every morning, doing my laundry). He's now married and seems happy with his new wife, though we don't talk anymore and he was pretty hurt at my turnaround. I felt horrible about that break up until last year or so.
4. Ex-Prisoner. Early-mid 2000s. I know. It doesn't sound good. But his prison time was for violating intellectual property laws, and he was a hero among people who know about such things. I admired him for having such committed political beliefs and liked his outlaw code of ethics. He wasn't conventional or boring and seemed like a good match for me. Turned out that I was wrong, mostly because EP had some serious social quirks (perhaps from the prison life?). Also, he absolutely did not want to have kids, and since I was 35 at the time, I wanted to keep the option open so we ended it.
5. Teacher Man (TM). 2005-present. Yes, I'm in a relationship at the moment. He's more conventional than most of my guys (never been in prison, never worked with Earth First, has actually been married once before and likes the idea of marriage), but he's traveled the world and has an open mind and a liberal sensibility. Not quite a hard-core leftist feminist like myself, but he's in the ballpark. His heart is a bit beaten-up from the divorce and though we've been dating for a year or so, it's moving very slowly and I'm not quite sure how he feels about me. Yes, he loves me, but I'm unsure about whether he will be able to commit anytime soon. I'm not sure what I mean by commitment, of course, but I worry that he's so slow we'll never figure it out.
How did I get to blogger? To feeling like I had to write out some of my feelings in a semi-public way? Well, because private journaling isn't cutting it. I felt alone in my confusion about relationships, even though so many of my friends and colleagues of the same age seem to have figured it all out. And I am hoping to figure it all out myself soon enough.